


𝓐𝓼 𝓨𝓸𝓾 𝓕𝓪𝓭𝓮 𝓐𝔀𝓪𝔂

by lxvelysuntae



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Illnesses, Short Chapters, Short Story, light fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29761158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lxvelysuntae/pseuds/lxvelysuntae
Summary: Lives are just like books.While some are long, others are short. Some are happy and others are sad.But most importantly... both of them come to an end.It's a truth, a reality.Yet I naively believed you would always stay with me.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Reader, Tsukishima Kei/Reader
Kudos: 3





	1. J o y l e s s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, welcome to this short story. I hope you will enjoy it, it's my first time writing a "full story" so I'm a lil stressed but excited at the same time.  
> I made a [Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2g0mgXCN4lRsHBgeQSJg9b?si=2e75ffcc7c40490b) for this story, so if you enjoy reading while listening to music, you can check it out.  
> That's it, I think. Hope you will like it.  
> P.S: There might be (actually it's certain lmao) a few grammar mistakes/typos etc. I'm sorry since English isn't my first language and I hope they wouldn't make your reading experience less enjoyable.

_**« It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew ». -Henry Rollins-** _  
  
  
  


« Hi baby, how are you doing today? » My voice echoed in the silent room. Tsukishima was looking at the window in his blue hospital gown. He was paler than usual, skinnier than usual. The illness was getting the best of him. My heart ached at his sight, although I was supposed to be used to it. I needed to be stronger, not only for me but for both of us.

« Hey. » As dry as usual. It hurts. It really does.

I was carrying a bag that contained his lunch, I agreed with the doctor to bring him homemade meals, not forgetting to avoid some food products that could harm him.

In the bag, I was also carrying one of his favorite pairs of pajamas. A dinosaur printed one. It was my last attempt, I was desperate. I thought it could lighten up the mood and hopefully make him think of something else, make him forget about his state for just a minute. If it was possible.

I approached the dresser next to his bed. I took out the clothes I brought, moved a bit to show them to him then put them next to his other clothes. He didn't pay much attention to what I was showing him. How can I make him feel better? What should I do?

« You brought lunch again? I told you not to last time.» The coldness in his voice made me want to cry.

« Yes, I know, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm worried about you, the nurses told me you didn't eat anything they gave you. And you didn't take much from what I was bringing you, last time. »

Worry, guilt, concern, every kind of emotion was taking over me. I don't know how to act anymore. I just want to help him.

He is cold, acting as if we were strangers. It must be so hard for him, I just want to make him smile again. To see that sweet, angelic smile of his.

« I don't like it. » he said, he turned around, facing my way, and looked at my bag, « Your food, I don't like it. »

Was it this all along? I thought he liked it.

Before all of this, I would always cook for him, we would sit down in front of a movie and eat together. He admitted once that he liked it and I was so surprised knowing how rarely he gives compliments.

« Really? I'm sorry, I didn't know, you could have told me before, I would have stopped forcing you to eat. » A chuckle left my mouth, a sad and anxious one.

An awkward silence took over the grey, gloomy room.

« Did your parents visit today? » I walked over to the chair in front of his bed and sat down.

He looked at me, his golden-brown eyes meeting mine, shivers running down my spine.

I missed how he used to look at me.

« Why are you doing this? » His question took me by surprise.

Why would he ask such a thing? Wasn't it obvious that it was for him, that it was because I cared about him? After all, I love him. I love him so much that I keep coming here, day after day, trying my best, just for him... seeing his condition worsen one time and then get better the next one was a heartbreaking sight, it was unbearable, especially knowing how it must be weakening him.

« What are you talking about? » I looked at him confused and slightly nervous, apprehending what he was about to say.

« Stop playing dumb. I'm talking about this whole situation. Why aren't you out with your friends right now? Why do you persist in coming? Isn't all of this making you feel bored ? » his voice was indifferent but I could still feel anger, he let out all of this at once and continued, « I know you pity me, and honestly I don't need it. I wouldn't blame you if you told me you already found someone else. An ill boyfriend, who would want that? » All of his words were hurting me, one after the other, they made me feel as if I was getting violently slapped.

Why all of sudden? Did he think I was cheating on him? He should know that I was spending nearly all of my time at his apartment, laying in his bed and crying. The fear of being useless hunted me every night.

My mind was focusing on him and only him.

What was he feeling right now? What are the thoughts crossing his mind at this exact moment?

Was he scared just like I was? Was he feeling lonely? Did he miss me? Did he need me?

« Go out, leave me alone. You can start your new life, like I said I won't blame you. »

No words were coming out of my mouth. Nothing. What can I answer this? I feel like anything I would say will leave him disappointed, annoyed. I have come to understand that maybe my presence was irking him.

Frustration was all I was giving him. Nothing more. Nothing less.


	2. H e a r t e n

**_«_ ** _**It's not the pain, it's who it came from. » -Drishti Bablani-** _  
  
  
  


I left the room. Pathetic, that's what I was.

He told me to leave, staying there was just going to make things worse.

I couldn't think straight. A mix of anger, misunderstanding, and sadness was building up inside of me.

I walked down the hall, leaving the hospital. All of this felt like a nightmare, that was far away from coming to an end.A slight vibration in my pocket brought my attention back to the present. I took my phone, the screen lighting up. It's a text from Mitsuki. I would tend to push everybody away, but this time I wanted to be with someone. I needed to be with someone.

From: **Mitsukiiiii**

To: **Me**

_"Hi Girliiiie, how are you doing today? I was wondering if you'd want to come with me today, just hang out, eat something, stuff like that."_

Another vibration, another text from her.

From: **Mitsukiiiii**

To: **Me**

_"I'm not taking no as an answer by the way. Meet me at the coffee shop near the park."_

I sighed and hopped in my car.

I called Kei's mom, we talked a bit and I told her what happened. She was on her way to visit him, knowing this made me feel somehow relieved. At least, he won't be alone. Our talk from earlier was playing over and over in my head. Everything felt so surreal. And I wasn't processing what was said today, yet.

I arrived, parked my car and searched for my friend.

She was waving at me from across the street, in front of the shop. I walked over there, happy to see her, it's been a while.

« So how is he doing? » We entered the shop, sat down at a table, and ordered drinks. A hot chocolate for me and a latte for her.

« I don't know to be honest. Physically, his state is unstable. Mentally, I don't know. He had been cold and distant for the last weeks and it's worrying me even more. I just want to support him and help him. » She was looking at me, a concerned look on her face.

The waitress brought our order. The warmth of my cup opposed the cold of my hand, sending chills through my body.

« Is he the same with others too? » She took a sip of her latte, looking at me curiously.

« I have no clue. His mother told me about his change of behavior, he was apparently being indifferent to them too. But I don't know if it was just like how he was acting towards me.» A part of me was glad to know that the way he 'dealt' with me was nothing personal, even though it still saddened me.

Mitsuki comforted me, assuring me that everything was going to be alright, and I genuinely wanted to believe her, convincing myself that it couldn't get any worse. That it was just one of the many tests in life, for him and me. 

_All I can do is be there for him, support him during this whole situation._

We've talked for another hour, and then we went back home. It made me feel a little better. Maybe he didn't mean what he told me. It might have been his way of coping with the situation, his illness. I wished he didn't push me away and let me help him through this trouble.

I went back to his apartment. I felt heavy, my emotions were somehow suffocating me. I laid on the couch and stared blankly at the ceiling. I eventually started thinking about Tsukishima. I was worried not about the way he acted, it really saddened me and hurt me, I wouldn't deny it. But I was more worried about his state. I knew he was in pain, I knew he was suffering but he somehow managed to hide it. How? Why?

I wanted him to share it with me, I was ready to sacrifice anything for him. It's been 3 years since we were together, we shared every ounce of happiness, so why wouldn't we share our struggles and voice them out too.

I fell asleep, no dreams, no nightmares. A heavy and oddly peaceful sleep.

_By tomorrow everything will get better._

_Hopefully._


	3. N o s t a l g i a

**_"There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy."– Dante Alighieri-_ **   
  


**_*Flashback*_ **

A sunny day. I was quite enjoying it. Unlike Kei who prefers cold and cool days.

"But what if we've never met, how was your life going to be?" Random subjects, that's what I like.

"Entertaining." And here we go with his sarcasm.

"Do you mean now your life is boring? Lowkey hurting my feelings..." I said dramatically, clearly joking with him. I turned my face to the window imitating a pouting face. His chuckle resonated in the car, a simple sound yet so calming and satisfying.

"I would've probably been roommates with Tadashi I think, you know we were planning on doing so before I met you so I guess that's one of the many possibilities." I looked at him, he was talking while focusing on the road, replacing his glasses when he needed to. 

Now that he mentioned it, it's true that Yamaguchi was searching for somewhere to live, I kind of felt bad for him. It feels like I ruined his plans on sharing an apartment with his best friend.

"How long are you going to stare at me like that? You kinda look like an idiot." He said, side-eying me, I hit him on his shoulder, earning an 'ouch what the hell' and rolling eyes from him.

"You know this could leave a bruise, right?"

"And for what reason do you think I did it?" I said, raising my eyebrows.

And with that started a complaint about how much his shoulder was starting to hurt and that it was because of me, 'the idiot one'. I loved his dramatic behavior. It made the mood more enjoyable somehow. Even if he wasn't aware of it...or was he?

We arrived. Kei parked the car and got out of it. I was too lost in my own daydreaming that I didn't feel any of this.

"Hurry up, we may not find the seat empty." He sounded rushed. He sure liked this place a lot.

"Oh yes you are right, give me a second." I gathered all my things and left the car with him.

We entered the park, our favorite place. We headed straight to our usual spot, near the river. We sat on the bench, taking a look at the beautiful view in front of us. Before us, the trees were dancing, their leaves moved by the gentle breeze. The sun reflecting on the river made its water shine. Few fishes were passing by, and from time to time one of them will jump out, few drops following behind it.

We stayed silent, it wasn't awkward, we were actually enjoying each other's presence. This went on for about half an hour until Tsukishima talked.

« What did you want to talk about? » His face slightly turned to me. His eyes, hiding behind his glasses, glanced at me.

« Nothing much to be honest, it's just that we didn't have a lot of time for us during this week so I wanted to hang out with you, and what's better than visit this park. » These past days were really busy for us, we barely spent any time together, and I was missing him.

« Just say you wanted to go on a date. » _Well that's another way to phrase it._

Kei started searching in his pocket, then took out, a few seconds later, his pair of earphones and his phone.

I looked at him doing so, until a few seconds later, he handed me one of them. I moved closer, making myself more comfortable. Listening to music made it feel as if we were in our own bubble, just the two of us and nobody else. I wanted this moment to last forever. One song after another, we were appreciating the music. My head on his shoulder, hands in pockets while swaying my feet. 

Since Tsukishima and I got together, we would always spend some "quality time" together at the park. This place was special for us, maybe because it was where Tsukishima asked me out, on a snowy day. It felt like a fairytale. 

To this day, sometimes I can't believe that we were together. He always seemed unapproachable, yet seeing Yamaguchi be that close to him and act with him normally gave me the courage to talk to him. And here we are today, almost cuddling on a bench. 

_I hope he feels the same joy I'm feeling._

Time went by, people were leaving the park. It was midday.

« Shouldn't we get going? » I spoke. Although I didn't want to end this, we needed to go.

« Yeah if you want, let's go. »

We got up, and when I was about to start walking, I felt a cold hand grabbing mine.

« Wait for me. » I stood there watching as he zipped up his jacket, he took my hand another time in his and started walking normally. This simple move made me feel all flustered. Tsukishima wasn't someone who showed affection in public yet he did this, and it made me happy.

_The day just started, but I already know it is going to be a good one._


	4. U n s e t t l i n g

_**« One day I will cease to exist, but all my life I will love you. » -Ranata Suzuki-** _  
  
  
  


Days went by slowly, each one of them feeling like an eternity. I made sure to check on Tsukishima daily even if it wasn't physically. His brother or mother would call me to keep me updated.

I didn't want to go there, I wanted to give him time. Maybe all he needed was to rest.

These days here, at home, alone allowed me to clean the house. My only motivation was « What if he comes back home all of a sudden ? It needs to be all clean for him.». Yes, I still had hope. Why wouldn't I? The last time I talked with his brother, he said that he was looking alright. I decided to stick to that, I didn't need anything more to be motivated.

I played one of our playlists and surprisingly it was a sad one. I should've probably changed it into something more cheerful but for some reason, I was okay with it. After all, why not match the mood.

Starting with the kitchen and moving after that to the living room, I cleaned everything. In the bathroom, I cleaned the bathtub and rearranged all of our products. Although I believed that all of this would make me think of something else, it wasn't the case.

I carried on tidying the apartment until I arrived in the bedroom. Since he left for the hospital, I didn't touch anything there. All I was doing was sleep in his bed.

I organized the closet, going through his clothes. After what felt like an hour, I was done. I eventually found a few things I brought with me when I moved.

Various pictures we took together once at a photo booth, a necklace he bought me, and I even found his old jersey.

For a minute, I thought about bringing it to him. But then I remembered that he wouldn't care about it. Even tho I wanted to believe that it would bring back beautiful and happy memories to him, I wasn't sure if he wanted to hear about it.

As I was gathering my clothes to go take a shower, my phone rang. I didn't want to answer it at first, but the person who was calling was insisting, by calling over and over again.

Looking at my phone to see who it was, I found the name of Tsukishima's mother written on the screen. I answered in a heartbeat.

« Hello, I'm sorry I wasn't answering. Is everything alright- »

« You need to come. Right now please. »

_What was going on?_

Her tone was worrying me, and I lost no time to wear clothes and head toward the hospital. I hoped that Kei was alright. I wouldn't accept him to leave me this soon, not after not seeing him for days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was more of a transition/filler chapter, and it was a lot shorter than the others. I'm sorry as I know most readers prefer longish things. Anyways, I hope you still enjoyed it, thank you for reading :)


	5. M i s e r y

_**« Sometimes it takes sadness to know happiness, noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence. » - Unknown-** _   
  


Her voice. Something was wrong. My heart was racing, my palms started sweating. I stormed out of the apartment.

_Everything is gonna be alright. Tsukishima, wait for me, please._

My phone started ringing again. Akiteru, Kei's brother.

« Hello? » I was talking while running, I needed to get there as soon as possible.

« I just arrived at the hospital, where are you right now? » His voice...he was stressed.

« I'm on my way. Please tell me everything is okay. » I wanted some kind of reassurance.

« I...don't know. But I'm sure everything is going to be alright. It's Tsukki we're talking about, after all, he is a strong boy you know. » It was very obvious that he was unsure. 

_I will go there and see it by myself._

_Wait for me Kei._

++

I arrived there and ran through the hallways, I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed to see him. Turning around the corner, the door to his room was right in front of me slightly opened.

« It's okay mom, don't worry. Everything is gonna be okay. » It was Akiteru's voice, he was talking to his mother.

I pushed the door open, a mix of apprehension and stress taking over me. The first thing that caught my attention almost immediately was that Tsukishima's bed was empty.

« Where is he? » I looked at them, his mother's eyes were red and puffy, clearly because of how much she had been crying.

« Let's talk outside if you want. » Akiteru offered as I was looking at him all confused. I followed him outside, unsure of what he was about to say.

_Just tell me Kei is alright._

I was getting more and more impatient, more scared. We stood outside the room facing each other.

« Kei is okay. There is nothing to worry about yet. » I let out a long sigh of relief. But then it hit me.

« What do you mean ''yet ''? »

« Mom didn't call you for this, she called because she wanted to inform you about something. Something related to Kei. » All of this was starting to worry me, even more than I already was.

What was wrong with Tsukki? What was it that his mom wanted to tell me? What was going to happen to him?

And why was Akiteru hesitating, almost seeming reluctant on telling me? Usually, he would be pretty straightforward about the situation, especially concerning his younger brother.

« What is it? You are kind of scaring me right now. »

« Listen, the doctor updated on Kei's state... It's not going well for him. » A sad expression took over his features.

I froze in front of him. Since when? We talked about this together on the phone and he assured me that he was getting better. What did all of this mean? But mostly, how bad was his state? I needed more details.

« What do you mean exactly? We talked yesterday in the morning and you told me that he was fine. » All of this was giving me a headache.

« At that moment, I didn't know either to be honest. It was until yesterday at night, when I was talking with the doctor, after I left Tsukki's room, that he told me what was going on. Mom knew tho. Apparently, she didn't want to tell us, so we don't have to worry more. She called you today because I told her to do so, she was hesitating for some reason. »

My brain had a hard time processing all of this. At least, I wasn't kept out of that for too long.

« Okay, okay, I see. But tell me more about him, what is wrong with him? » I was anxious, more than usual. The way his brother was acting bothered me and made me expect the worse. His body seemed tense and his expressions were sort of angsty.

« He will be taking more medicines to help with his condition, although it won't directly make him recover. » He started stumbling over his own words, giving incoherent pieces of information.

« Akiteru what is it- »

« He doesn't have much time left. » His voice cracked, while my heart shattered.

I looked at him in disbelief. Maybe it was the shock, maybe I wasn't believing it yet but I didn't cry.

« He still has chances, but the doctor said it was nearly impossible for him to get better. I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't know it yet, and I feel like mom doesn't want to tell him. You know it hurts to see him so detached, he makes it seem as if he doesn't feel anything. And I'm being pushed away just like he is doing with everybody. » His tone showed how sad he was.

All of this was scaring me.

Tsukishima had to leave soon.

I wasn't believing it. He wouldn't. He couldn't.

My throat was sore, all I was thinking about was that at any moment someone would call me announcing his...death.

Akiteru looked down, he seemed lost.

« I wish I could do something to help him, something to make it better. But I can't. I feel so useless. It's like I can't protect my own brother. And the worst is that I know that nothing can help him. » My heart ached.

_Somebody wake me up from this awful nightmare, I'm begging._

I put my hand on his arm, trying to show him my support. Not a single word was leaving my mouth through this whole interaction.

Behind him, a blonde-haired boy in a wheelchair that was pushed by a nurse was approaching us.

« Kei... » I let out a faint sound, making his brother turn to look behind him. I walked, each step more unsure than the latter. I stopped just in front of them, facing him.

_It has been so long since I saw his face. I want to remember it. I have to._

I kneeled in front of him, my hands on his lap, and searched for his face. He was looking away.

« Hi Kei, how are you doing today? » My voice was small, I didn't know how to act after what Akiteru just told me. I wanted to take him in my arms. I approached myself, knowing he will probably push me away, but I didn't care I needed to feel him.

I hugged him, he was taken aback and surprised. It felt good, it was comforting just like it always has been. The comfort I would usually find in his arms after a long day was something I cherished. Yet I had lost it.

I pulled away, not wanting to bother him anymore.

« Can I go to my room? » He turned to the nurse, completely ignoring what just happened. Didn't he feel something?

I stood there in the hallway, as the lady took him inside the room.

Was he going to act this way until the very end?

Akiteru followed them inside and I just stood there, shocked. Nevertheless, I caught up to them, entering the room as well and heading toward where everybody was.


	6. S o r r o w

**_« Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water. » -Christopher Morley_ **   
  


« Can we at least talk? »

Still ignoring me.

« Kei... »I called for him, « Kei. » I said firmly, I needed to talk to him and I wasn't going to spend what could be our last moments together being ignored by him. I just couldn't anymore.

« What do you want exactly, huh ? » his voice caught me off guard, it's been so long since I last heard it.

A certain tension was suddenly felt in the room. And as I looked around, Akiteru seemed surprised but also uncomfortable. Our eyes suddenly met and he just tilted his head and nodded at me, a few seconds later he was already out of the room gently closing the door behind him, taking his mother with him.

« I want to know why are you acting like this. »

« Like what? I'm acting normally. »

« Normally ?! Are you kidding me? You've never been this distant and cold so stop pretending like all of this is perfectly normal » I tried to communicate what I felt through my voice, but do I even know what I was desperately struggling to express?

« You are getting annoying, you know that? Why don't you just leave, I thought I was clear enough. I don't need you anymore, get this idea inside your head. All I want is this day to end peacefully. »The last sentence that left his lips felt like a whisper, almost like it was a thought that was accidentally said aloud. A sigh left his mouth as his body slightly slouched. He was in a horrible state.

Arguing with him made me feel somehow guilty, I could have let him rest. On the other hand, all what Akiteru told me made me less patient. I wasn't ready to let go of him yet, I think I'll never be.

All I wanted was to help our situation and be there for him, yet here we are. I think I made it even worse.

« Can I at least know why all of a sudden? » If he really didn't want me around, I could always ask his mother about him and check on him that way. But I needed to know what changed, what made us drift apart. His sickness played a major role in how bad things have gotten between the two of us, for sure. But I wanted to believe something else was behind all of this.

« I just realized some things. » His answer was said in a way that showed that no matter how many questions I would ask, he would not give me the responses I wanted. The responses I needed.

Maybe I was being selfish, maybe I was doing everything wrong. I could've been crying right now, already starting to mourn his upcoming death. After all, the doctor said he could die at any moment, but my stubborn self thought that they possibly were wrong since no one can predict death itself. It's something that happens suddenly, out of the blue.

I was, certainly, in complete denial of the situation.

All of this was draining. But I wasn't going to give up. I didn't want to be separated from him because of an illness.

I approached his bed. Not looking at me at first, he gazed toward me, following my figure. Standing next to him, I leaned over and gently pecked on his forehead.

Forcing him into talking with me was useless but I hoped that showing how much I cared would make him realize that I was there for him and that there was no need to push me away.

This was frustrating.

I backed away, not looking at him. I headed straight to the door.

He didn't say a word.

As I was exiting his room, I found Akiteru standing with his mother. I walked in their direction. At my sight, the blonde-haired boy's mother burst into tears. This made me stop in my track as it surprised me.

Akiteru looked at me, sending an apologetic look in my way. I decided to approach them.

I placed a hand on her shoulder as I spoke, « Hello Miss Tsukishima...how are you doing? » After those words left my mouth, a wave of guilt took over me. It was obvious that she wasn't feeling well, her son was, probably, on his death bed at that exact moment.

Why was I acting so indifferent?

I knew I was sad. I knew I was afraid of losing him. I knew I was not ready to live without him. I knew how much I missed him already. I knew how much death, **his** death scared me. But yet here I was, not showing any normal signs whatsoever.

_Shouldn't I be crying at this exact moment? Shouldn't I be by his side right now? What do I have to do?_

Her head was leaning against Akiteru's chest as one of his hands supported her by the waist and the other held her hand.

« Akiteru must have told you, right ? » her voice was weak and showed her tiredness.

« Uh oh yes... » her question surprised me but I still answered.

« Then I suggest you start spending more time with him if you can. » Her eyes got watery as she pronounced those last words.

« I would love to... But he won't like it. » I looked down, feeling embarrassed for an unknown reason.

« I know Kei better than anybody, and I sense that he is doing a mistake and he knows it. I don't want my son to live what could be his last days alone in a gloomy hospital room. I know he can't leave the hospital no matter what, but he can at least feel loved in his last moments. » The way she talked made it seem as if it was certain, Kei wouldn't make it. My heart tightened in my chest.

« You two love each other, and when you were together you seemed like the happiest people on earth. I'm sure that deep inside of him, the feelings he had wouldn't have died that easily. It is impossible. »Seeing his mom support me warmed my heart.

It sure wasn't easy for her, but yet here she was trying to get her son's last moments to be happy ones.

« I will do whatever I can do to help him, I will be here for him. I promise. » I didn't really know if this promise was made for his mother or for me, but it didn't matter anyway. I exchanged a few more words with them before leaving, letting them enter Kei's room.

I headed straight to the park. I went searching for our usual spot but found a couple already sitting in there. It saddened me in some way. Finding another bench, I sat admiring the view exposed in front of me. And that's when it hit me.

Tears filled my eyes, as my heart was beating a little faster than usual. I just wanted to curl in a ball. As my face started getting wet, I remembered Kei.

I was thankful I was able to give him that peck _._

_Unfortunately, it could be the last one._


	7. P a i n f u l

_**"For the rest of my life, I will search for moments full of you."- Anonymous-** _   
  


While crying, a young woman around my age came up to me asking if everything was okay. I nodded.

I sat there a little longer, blankly staring in front of me. All I was thinking about revolved around Kei, what else could I be thinking of? I was thinking of ways to spend more time with him, just like I promised.

For a quick second, I thought about bringing him his favorite food. Strawberry cake. Even tho Tsukishima refused to eat most of the time, bringing him something he loved might actually change his mind.

I let out a sigh as I stood up, heading toward the park's gate. I genuinely hoped he will appreciate it, I wasn't necessarily waiting for a reaction, if only for him to enjoy it and make him happy.

I made my way to a shop near the hospital. There I bought all I wanted, taking some sweets for his family too. I couldn't even smile at the worker in front of me, only a depressed look on my face.

I didn't know why, but for an unknown reason, I held in all of my emotions until a few minutes ago when I let them out. Earlier in the hallway with Akiteru, I blamed myself for it.

_Was I being heartless?_

I stood in front of the shop for a short moment while taking my phone out, I wanted to check what time it was but unfortunately, my phone was turned off.

« My battery died... » I mumbled as I walked forward.

++

As I was getting out of the elevator, a nurse ran past me with a doctor beside her dragging with them a bed with someone laying in it. They were in a hurry. My heart tightened in my chest as I prayed for whoever it was to be alright.

I walked towards the door, it was wide open this time. I stopped near it, not showing myself to whoever was inside.

« Aki... He is gone... There is ...No... I can't... » Sobs were coming out of the room, his mother's sobs.

Her words were on repeat in my head. My mind went blank, I felt nauseous, my heart was pounding so fast it started hurting. I fell to the ground, tears rolling down my cheeks.

_Not yet...please not yet..._

« Don't worry mom everything is going to be alright, they brought him to the resuscitation area... I'm sure they are gonna take care of him... » As much as he tried to act cheerful and reassure her, we all knew that it was hopeless.

It all ended here.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 _***** _ _**Flashback** _ _***** _

« Kei, what are you doing? » I asked, slightly irritated. It's been over 10 minutes that I've been waiting for him to come to eat with me.

« I'm coming, don't worry. » He got up and walked my way, he sat in front of me and started eating.

« How is it? » I looked at him, hoping for a positive answer.

« It's...good. Really good... » He said that sarcastically.

« Is it really good or are you being sarcastic again? » I asked, raising an eyebrow.

He chuckled, shaking his head at me before looking up at me another time.

« This time it is really good, baby. » I was all flustered by his compliment. We carried on eating and chatting until Tsukishima asked me something.

« So you said you could have two weeks off right ? »

« Yes, but I'm not sure when tho... Why are you asking this all of a sudden? »

« Nothing, I just wanted to be sure. » He said and immediately stood up. I followed him, helping him gather the dishes and bring them back to the kitchen.

I made my way to the couch as my blonde-haired boyfriend took place beside me **.**

Laying down between his legs as my back rested on his chest, I placed my head on his shoulder. He put his arms around me while having the remote in his hand. We spent the rest of the night watching a show while cuddling.

Midway through the episode, I looked up, only to find Kei sleeping peacefully.

A smile made its way on my face as I admired him a little more. I quietly turned off the screen and went to sleep in those arms that made me feel safe, protected, but mostly loved.

**++**

The next morning, Tsukishima left after breakfast saying he had an appointment with someone. He seemed more dynamic than ever, and this sight surprised me a little.

Although I wanted to spend the day with him just lazing around, seeing him happy made me feel energized and motivated.  
  


_For some reason, his joy brought mine._

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  


I finally stood up, all of my body was shaking. I entered the room and when our eyes met I couldn't hold my tears anymore.

I walked toward the now-empty bed and sat next to Tsukishima's mom. Her eyes were red and puffy from how much she had been crying, and soon enough my eyes would look just like that.

I hugged her while we cried, Akiteru was looking down lost in his thoughts.

Shortly after, a doctor made his way inside the room. The look on his face said it all, no words were needed.

« Doctor...doctor...please tell me...tell me my son is alright...please I'm begging you to tell me he is alive...please... » She was crying while clinging to the doctor's white lab coat, he looked sorry and tried to calm her down. I stood up and slowly approached her, taking her off of him while crying.

She cried in my arms once again, her hands clutching on my shirt. Akiteru went out of the room with the doctor.

«Can I see him for the last time...? » I said softly, these words were directed to the doctor.

« Of course. » He said as he nodded.

As they walked out of the room, I dragged myself to the bed bringing with me the woman who was now violently sobbing.

I was still processing this whole situation, it felt like a million stings were piercing my heart at this exact moment. I felt hurt, I felt ashamed, I felt sad.

And I just couldn't imagine what others were feeling. Kei held an important place in a lot of people's lives, and each one of them lost someone important.

**Akiteru lost his brother.**

**His mom lost her son.**

**Yamaguchi lost his best friend.**

**And I lost the love of my life.**

I started crying again, quietly this time.

Suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder, it was coming from his mom. I looked down at her, as she was swallowing her tears and trying to hold back.

« I-I need to give you something... I promised... I will... » She was breathing with a certain difficulty due to her crying, making it hard for her to express a whole sentence without pausing between words.

I removed my arms from around her, bringing my hands up to my face to wipe the tears. She walked toward her bag that was on the chair, she then came back holding what looked like a small blue box.

Standing in front of me, she handed me it. I took it carefully, confused about what it could be.

« Kei asked me to give it to you, but he wanted you to open it once you will be home,» she said as she held my hand. Tears formed in my eyes.

« I don't know what is inside but it seemed important for him, and it must really be since it's one of the rare things he gave much attention to these past days. » I let her talk, it helped me prevent from breaking down but it still reminded me of him.

« I just wanted to inform you about something... Kei probably didn't tell you but I will...He was so happy about it that I can't let you go without knowing... » All my attention was now directed towards her. The mother was looking down at her hand, fidgeting with her fingers while desperately trying not to cry.

« He...Kei... was thinking about it since a while ago, he wanted it to be special and he asked me for some help. We went out looking for it...I've never seen him that excited about something... » I didn't understand yet what was all of this about but I tried my best to listen to her calmly.

« He wanted to propose to you... » She broke down in front of me as my eyes widened in shock, all of this felt so unreal that I couldn't believe it.

_Tsukishima planned on proposing to me._

This broke my heart even more. Why would life be this cruel?

« He was planning on traveling with you and then proposing there... I'm sorry... »I was now against her chest crying, while she rubbed my back gently shedding few tears as well.

_I'm sorry..._

**\--------------------------------*Tsukishima P.O.V.*--------------------------------**

_-_ _Minutes earlier_ _-_

...

...

I felt all of my strength leaving my body. I couldn't do anything about it. My consciousness was slowly fading away.

Soon, I would leave this world.

Memories flashed in front of me, as I was desperately trying to hold onto life.

I thought about my family that I have been pushing away ever since I knew about my situation.

And then I thought about...you.

I felt guilty. I recalled all of the times you came visiting me and how each time I acted horribly. I wanted to change this. I wanted a second chance.

All along, I thought I could die in peace. I thought I didn't care about life itself. But now I didn't want to leave you behind. I wanted to stay with you.

But I couldn't.

I was surrounded by nothing but darkness. I felt heavy and light at the same time. It was time for me to go.

I love you.

_I'm sorry..._


	8. B r o k e n

_**"I love you every day. And now I will miss you every day." -Mitch Albom-** _   
  


This broke my heart even more. Why was life being so cruel?

« He was planning on traveling with you and then proposing there... I'm sorry... »I was now against her chest crying, while she rubbed gently my back shedding few tears as well.

**I just lost the man that made me smile, laugh.**

**I lost the man that accepted, somehow, to open up to me.**

**I lost the man that made me feel protected.**

**I lost the man that I hoped I would spend my whole life with.**

**I lost the man that made me feel special. Not with his words, but with the way he acted.**

I will never get to sleep in his arms again, I will never be able to look into those golden eyes again.

Akiteru came back, and it was clear that he cried as well. I helped them gather their belongings in the room, but theywill still have to come back to take what was left. Akiteru and his mom assured me that I could go home and that they would call me soon.

I left the hospital, wishing that I will never have to come back again. On my way home, a young man passed by me a bouquet in his arms. Bumping into me made two flowers fall on the ground, he profusely apologized and left. My gaze landed on the flowers on the ground.

_Lilies..._

A wave of sadness took over me once again as I kneeled to take one in my hands. I stared at it, my eyes getting watery once again.

I went back home. His apartment. I was welcomed with a gloomy and dark house.

I went directly to the room, falling on the bed and looking up at the ceiling. I turned around, now on my side, hugging a pillow and trying to get as much as I could of the scent that was ruling this place. His scent.

I cried again and again until I couldn't anymore. My eyes hurt and my head ached. I stood up and walked towards the drawer, there I picked one of his hoodies. I cuddled myself in it. It made me feel as if he was still here. I was desperate.

It was until late at night when I decided to leave my room searching for the box. I took it and sat in the living room.

Inside of it was a smaller box, an envelope, and a picture. I hold the picture in my hand, as I realized what it was.

I was clinging onto Tsukishima's arm as he was rolling his eyes, a small smile on his face. It was Mitsuki who took the picture that day. It was a really nice day. I didn't know he kept it with him and that warmed my heart. A sad smile made its way on my face.

I took out the small box and opened it, inside it was a pretty ring. He was really planning on doing it. I never thought that Tsukishima would think about it, neither did I think he was the type to do so. I gently tried it. I wished he was there to see it.

I paused for a few minutes, not daring to open the envelope. I secretly wanted to make this moment last longer, it was the last thing I had of him. I sighed, trying to get rid of the stress that was building inside of me. I reached over to it and opened it, taking out a paper.

It was a handwritten letter from Tsukishima. Reading it was a painful task, as he was trying to explain his behavior.

I felt like my heart shattered into many pieces when I read the beginning.

_He knew... He knew he wasn't going to make it._

I started crying, I was doing this all day but I couldn't stop. He mentioned further in his text Yamaguchi and how I should reach out to him if needed. Each sentence I read broke me even more.

_I don't know if I can do it... I don't know if I can live without you Kei._

"...I'll make sure to be yours again."

And I'll wait for you, Tsukishima Kei.  
  



	9. W r i t t e n

**_"When a deep love leaves..._ **  
**_....deep sadness takes residence." - Ranata Suzuki-_ **  
  
  
  
  


"Hello,

If you are reading this right now, it probably means that I'm no longer with you.

I heard my mom talking with the doctor the other day, it's funny how they were discussing my condition not so far from my room's door. But I guess you already knew all of this.

I chose to write a letter even though it's a pretty old way to communicate. I thought that maybe you would want to keep it with you, at least that's what I'm desperately trying to convince myself with. And, if you ever get rid of it, will it mean I, at least, made you feel something? If you were feeling hatred toward me while doing so, would it at least mean you appreciated me or...loved me at some point?

Writing this makes me think of all the things we could have possibly done together. Things that were on my mind and that you didn't know of.

I was planning on taking you on a trip, I don't know where we would've been going but I just wanted to feel free... with you. I planned so many things, yet I will never be able to do them.

I envy the person who will marry you, or, even better, that will spend the rest of their life with you. I'm still thinking about how I could have made our last moments together happy memories for you to remember, but I decided to do it all wrong. I ruined everything.

I know I can just call you right now, tell you how much I love you, how much I miss you, and how I want you beside me at this exact moment. But I can't. I know I don't have much left, so no need for me to try and change the situation at the very last.

I don't want you hurt, yet I am probably the one doing so. I'm sorry. I failed you in every way possible.

I've been more than a jerk to you, I was cold and distant, even rude. A complete asshole. I don't have any excuse, or at least it won't justify all the pain I caused you. I should have made it easier for you. You were tired and worried and instead of maybe reassuring you all I did was push you away and act like the complete fool I was.

But isn't it easier to forget someone you hated rather than someone you loved?

I thought that distancing myself from you will make you leave and hopefully make the aftermath of this whole situation less painful. I was never really mad at you nor frustrated, all I was thinking of was how much I wanted to kiss you and keep you in my arms until the very last moments I had left.

I thought many times of calling you or sending a text. Anything random, maybe just a goodnight. But I couldn't bring myself to do so.

Tadashi promised to keep an eye on you, so reach out to him if you need anything. I already tried to bid him my goodbyes when he came by a few days ago. We talked about life and death, we said what we had to and of course, he talked to me about you. He is one of the reasons I'm writing all of this right now. He encouraged me in doing so when he saw how much it seemed to affect me, to affect us. He said that if I wasn't planning on being nicer, I should at least do something to explain what was going on.

To be honest with you, I cried, and I'm ashamed of saying now. I spent many nights crying over the fact that we won't be together anymore. That I will have to leave. That you will probably spend your life with another person. But most importantly, I cried over the fact that I will probably never see you smile again.

I admit it. I love seeing you smile.

You know, I'm not someone who believes in such a thing. But if there is another life for us, I'll make sure to be yours again.

At last, I'm writing this to be in peace with myself but most importantly with you. I want you to live happily, find someone who will succeed in what I've been failing to do. I wish you all the best in your life and nothing else. But before I go, can I be selfish once more and ask you for one last favor?

Don't forget me, but please be happy."

_I love you so much that I hate you, Tsukishima Kei._

_________________THE END_ __________________


End file.
